Thankfully, today we did not go to the first day back at school. I woke, and as usual took Nuptse out before 7am. The scenery this morning was amazing because of the remnants of the overnight rain storm. Pink, brush-stroked clouds hung low to the East, and rich, dark, almost daunting clouds hung thickly over the east-facing flank of the mountains. The air was damp, and smelled of moist dirt, wildflowers, and sodden vegetation. Once back, Nena greeted me at the door, her hair still mussed-up from a night of sleep. I took a shower and she took a bath, and we hung out while I made an iced coffee and gathered my lunch. She dressed in a new fashion top that she picked out yesterday, and wanted to go to Grandma’s house early, before her sister woke up. I commented that I was glad I didn’t have to fork over cash to the class, in addition to all the other school supplies, school clothes, and other “necessities” that I would have had Nena actually been going to school today. In thinking about that, I realized that the bargain spending we’d been up to all summer on new toys and clothes was still pretty meager in comparison. I gave hugs and kisses all around, and set off to the Farmers Market before going to work.
The traffic was horrid thanks to the many scattered road construction messes in town. I managed to avoid the school zone near my house and went on my way to the Farmers Market, which was burgeoning with fresh vegetables. After the market I sauntered into work, and got busy researching hazardous waste sites that resulted from the Manhattan Project. I went to Tae Kwon Do for lunch, ate a salad for lunch, and checked in with my beautiful daughters early this afternoon. They were playing cars and were about to head off on a walk with their Dad.
The relief and lack of stress of not worrying about another first day at school is profound. Last year I felt as though I was walking on eggshells for nearly two weeks, and Kindergarten was orders of magnitude worse--to say nothing about the first go at it! Last year Nena started the first day out okay, but in watching her play-out the day that evening, I could hear the sound of my heart breaking. She pretended to be her teacher while her sister was a student, and she described the discipline, punishment, and laws of the land. The sense of demoralization was overwhelming and I felt like pulling her out right then and there. But the previous year had gone so well, I reminded myself, no reason to jump the gun.
Day 2 and Nena did not want to go, but somehow she mustered up enough courage to give it a try. The weekend came, and I knew that Monday was going to be tough. But this time I’d done my research. I was prepared for her to say she didn’t want to go. And she didn’t. Fine, I said, stay home and play. So she did. On Day 3, and Day 4, and Day 5. On Day 6, I said, this is crazy, you do not need to go to where you are feeling so much pain. So I formally pulled her out. She went to first grade for 2 days.
For 6 weeks prior to the first day of first grade I saw a continual build-up of anxiety and fear. Panic attacks started happening, which I thought were extreme “tantrums” or “fits” and yet I hadn’t made the connection between the pending first day of school and this upswing of severe emotion. Finally, after school had started, and these panic attacks occurred multiple times throughout the day, I realized that these could not be simple extreme tantrums. These were so much more than that. The doctor confirmed my concerns, and that only made my decision to remove her from school so much easier. Ironically, all the psychological banter surrounding separation anxiety involves working towards getting a child back in school. Everything I read about it made my stomach turn, yet deep down provoked a fear that I might be doing the wrong thing.
But as the weeks went by, the panic began to subside. The bright, sparkley-eyed girl started shining through.
As the first day back to school came nearer, I asked if Nena wanted to give it another go, and she said no, although when all the catalogs with the shiny and colorful new backpacks arrived, she gave it some further thought, but then said no again.
We went and checked out the class lists out of curiosity, and wondered why her nemesis wasn’t on any of them...had she moved and changed districts? We’d seen her a few days prior, so we knew she was still in town. Had the school messed up and forgotten to put her name down? Nena worried about this as this girl was a major factor in her discomfort with school. Try not to worry, I said, it’s really unimportant to our own situation.
No eggshells today. Just another normal day. For that, we are all glad.
